No I Have Not Had a Baby Yet

but thank you for asking. I am in a bizarre sort of self-imposed communications blackout, in that I can't really call anyone just to chat. When I call, people pick up, because they think, "Oh! This must mean she's in labor!" and then I have to open the conversation with - No. Not Yet. Ha Ha. Thanks for Asking! I promise we'll let you know!

Argh.

However much the collective blog audience wants to meet the new Hollyfeld, I promise it pales in comparison to how much I want to stop living in expectation of labor. Of course I also want to meet little no-name very very much. And Wren does too. It's pretty much all she talks about.

That's a lie. She also talks about lemonade, bees, daddy, momma, horses, ponies, her bottom, "getting you," helping, eating, carseats, colors, diaper changes, big girl potty, shapes, books, Ramona, our housemates, Bodies of Water, Abba, and many many other things. She's REALLY enjoying talking these days. A lot.

Last time around I made what turned out to be a pretty unrealistic list of things I was looking forward to after having Wren. I think margaritas were somewhere on there, as was a resumption of toenail painting and an immediate glorious return to sleeping on my stomach.

Of course I am still looking forward to margaritas, but I think my last pedicure was when I was about 7 months pregnant with Wren, and sleeping on my stomach... well really sleeping at all in the first month or so with a new baby... ridiculous.

This time around I have more mundane wants. I'm looking forward to the end of pregnancy congestion. I'd like my giant sausage feet to get back to a normal size, and maybe someday to be able to wear real shoes again. There's an In-N-Out across from the hospital- I'd like someone to bring me lunch once I can eat it, maybe with a chocolate shake.

Things I am NOT smarter about this time: I got sucked into the same damn doctor's office trick I did last time. The whole, "I'm making an appointment but maybe we won't see you next week ha ha ha" AHH! DON'T TELL ME THAT! I wish I had asked for a little note on my chart- If you tell the patient she is going to have the baby in the next few days, and she doesn't, she will become Batshit Insane.

I think this is probably true for most women at this point in the pregnancy. Why do doctors say that? I could see the words getting ready to come out of her mouth but there was nothing I could do to not hear them. Knowing that my doctor didn't learn fortune telling in medical school, and CANNOT in fact predict when I will go into labor, doesn't help me at all. I am still going to go home and pack my bag and call my mom and start pacing and then NOTHING. And my due date is still 2 WEEKS AWAY. I am A MONTH from being induced, even. It's so mean to take me from a mindset of "yeah it will probably be a while" where I was perfectly content and functioning somewhat rationally, to "you might want to just go hang out at In-N-Out for the next few hours, just in case..." when really she has NO idea. She's totally guessing.

But in a few short thoughtless words, she sent me to crazyville, and there's no coming back without a baby.