So my girlfriend is coming to Japan and she's on the plane right now as I type. I'm writing to let you guys in on a little secret that she'll find out about soon enough.

The second she gets out of customs and our eyes meet in the airport I'll spread my arms wide in anticipation of our long-awaited embrace. Then, I'm going to Karate Chop the crap out of her. It's going to be hilarious! She'll crumple to the floor under the weight of her luggage and other people will just laugh and say "WOW THAT CHICK JUST GOT THE CRAP KARATE CHOPPED OUT OF HER!" Then I'll look her in the eyes and say "Welcome to Japan. Deal."

The following is an article from a future magazine I plan on publishing called PUDGE: A Magazine for Normal Guys. It will feature interviews with normal guys and articles on their video games, their tech, their music and their couches. Of course this will never happen, but in my head it's a really good magazine.

So the other week, for my students' graduation, I got my hair cut for the first time at a Japanese barber shop/beauty salon. This may not seem like a big deal, but let me put it in perspective and say I haven't had an actual haircut since December 2002*.

I was always a little hesitant going into a Japanese salon because it's typically really expensive and they give you all these little frills and massages that I'm not that comfortable with. I just want my hair cut, not swooned in a sink. I also hate getting haircuts because inevitably, the hairdresser will cut the back too short and my hair will stand up like Alfalfa. But sucking up my pride and fears I went.

I figured it'd be a success because I have thick hair like most Japanese people. Plus, all Japanese guys have really cool hair (and cool fashion). It's kind of intimidating. Like I show up on the scene in the jeans I've worn for a week and they'll rock up in either a $400 jacket + $100 belt buckle or the suit they went to work in. So based on Japanese fashion sense, I figured I couldn't lose.

I got my haircut from a guy in black leather pants with a white leather tool belt pouch for his scissors, combs, and brushes. "Make it cool?" he asked me. And I said, "Yes." He was friendly and the whole staff seemed sparked with interest by my presence and one by one marveled at my blue eyes. I really need to get rid of my celebrity ego before I go home to the States. With the job done and the neck shaved, I walked out of there a happy customer.

Knowing the power of my cowlick, I decided I'd by some hair wax for both functional and styling purposes. Again, this may not seem like a big deal, but I haven't bought hair product since about 1997 or so. And even then, it was probably Elmer's Glue (if you can count that at hair product).

So now me and my purple container of wax that says "Fluff" on it are testing out the waters. Most Europeans (and American Hipsters) know that hairwax is actually a great thing. But for a normal guy it's kind of a mystery and seems kind of too semi-permanent. Not to mention the overall sissiness involved in styling your hair. Manly guys who have beards don't style their hair. To most men, a hat is the best form of hair molding and volume control. Dads all over the world have the same one hair style - because that's what works.

But now in a metrosexual generation we must ask ourselves "Hair Wax: girl-IE? or girl-MAGNET?" The data thus far: my fanclub at school the next day immediately exploded with cries of "I'm crazy for you!" My girlfriend likes it and other guys have complimented me on it.

This could be the beginning on a whole new head of hair for me. CAST YOUR VOTE IN THE COMMENT SECTION!

* December 2002 is to my knowledge correct, unless you count the time in India I had them burr my head and shave my beard and they used scissors - then that'd set the date to December 2003.

so just when you had forgotten that i got into an accident, i come bringing it up again. allow me to catch you up...

the smell

so since about November there's been a smell emiting from my car, it's that burning oil smell that you hate but is intriguing, like gasoline. i chalked it up to belts and the freezing cold, thinking, that's what happens when rubber freezes and you ask it to move thousands of miles per hour inside your engine. i was wrong. i know jack feces about cars. remember, i have a car curse.

prior to my accident i had taken it to the shop complaining of a lotta noise when i start my car in the morning. they look under the car and say "it's leaking oil, you could put a cheap solvent to mix with the oil, and that might fix it. or pay $300 for a new oil pan." i determined i should drive it awhile and see just exactly how much oil was dripping outta my car.

then the accident happened. i didn't want to have to deal with it when i had a $400 repair bill staring me in the face.

then i finally took it in a couple of weeks ago. they said again oil is leaking and as we were standing under the car, a confirming glob of oil dripped off my car and into the mechanic's eye. the mechanic said that without the oil, my muffler was getting extremely hot, and burning the oil that was dripping onto it as i was driving. that sounded bad, but not as bad as when he said, "Yeah, if it gets to hot you'll go up into a ball of flames".

with that incentive i decided to put the mixture in my car. try it out. see if it works. results are still pending..

on one of my test drives, i drove to Sonobe, the town next to mine, which i found out was the birthplace of Shigeru Miyamoto... my idol, and subject of my 11th grade English report.

on another test drive, i drove to the next town and found another Mini-Stop, which was stocking My Beloved Dressed in Green (my Aluminum Girlfriend, as i like to call it). I literally had to go out to a smaller village in the mountains to get my Mountain Dew. how's that for a short film idea!?

the lawsuit

so while i was at the car place, i talked to my insurance guy/friend, asking him how much damage i did to the other guy. yikes. i did a number. worth more than my car. thank god for insurance. then my friend says "Ya know how that guy went up to work? That's not normal. You could sue him because it violates the Privacy Laws."

hark?

more than an overwhelming need to stick it to this guy, I felt justified in my anger that my office had no business being involved so directly. I don't want to sue this guy, because he was alright about the whole thing, and probably wanted to talk to a Japanese person. But i do want to sue the Police for giving him my school's information, and to sue my Board of Education for making me fill out a useless form that will be unnecessarily viewed and stamped by the Mayor. Privacy Laws. who knew!

I emailed a guy just to see if it was possible to sue. He hasn't written me back. I found Japan's Privacy Laws in English on the internet and it seems that I can request a Statement of Purpose for that information that i handed to my Supervisor...

... but i'm lazy and it'll never happen ...

... and i'm leaving the country, and the idea of getting into some kind of drawn out lawsuit really doesn't bode well with me ...

...i could have been rich...

books. what can i say. i'm addicted to them. i've been thinking about this alot recently. amazon dot com is like a drug to me. i'm sure it's similar to crack/cocaine.

what's geeky about me is that at any given point i usually have a book on me. i've had to recently curb behaviours where i would take a book with me to go out to eat... just in case i had a spare minute to read... which is ridiculous, becuase (a) i'm always late everywhere and (b) even if i had a minute, i'd be too embarrassed to read. the extra weight and baggage was annoying even myself so i have tried to stop.

right now i have graduated to a spare bookbag that i carry with me to work. inside it currently has 4 books: Church History, How to Sound Intelligent in Japanese, My darling is a foreigner, and Shiraishi-san working in the COOP. altogether, a pretty small but heavy load. i'm proud of myself that two of the books are all in Japanese (though one is technically a comic book) - then one is a text book on how to sound smart - then the last is truely educational and can only be read in small bits. it'll take me a year to finish i think.

then i have books sitting at work for me - mostly Japanese text books. i have three bookshelves in three different sizes in my small apartment, all teeming with books, and i have a box of books on the floor in my kitchen. i like books and i'm probably always carrying at least one around with me.

and i wonder why. why do i always carry around 4 books. probably because i didn't really start reading until i was 17 or so (thanks Bible!). i'm trying to compensate for lost time...

but then there's the damn internet. it keeps getting bigger and bigger every day! and i have to consume it all in large bites each day, and it cuts in drastically to reading time. terrible.

well that's that. here's your blog o' the month.

i actually have a lot of posts on the backburner but i'm lazy. i recently remodeled the ol' howdy style, and it'll keep changing i'm sure. you won't really notice much, because it's all in the background. but... enjoy!~ <3