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so, long story short. big fight at school under the gymnasium. no teachers thought to break it up. after a group of kids came out from under the gym. lone ALT realizes some kids hadn't returned from the fight so he starts a search under the gym and comes across two kids sitting seiza and bowing to the Boy. it was creepy like out of some yakuza movie. he yelled at me "GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" and i kind of listened to him by keeping my distance. i think i was mesmerized by the ritual i had walked into: the two defeated kids bowing to the victor. like an old samurai movie. i almost laughed because it's kind of comic-booky as well. and rather than get into a visa-ending fight myself, i found a few teachers, notified them of the kids underneath the gym... the kids: unpunished. all of them.

ostriches.

then the other day the Boy comes up to me and says "You're stupid. I'm gonna kill you!" in japanese caveman speak, so it sounded like this: "David. Stupid. Kill. You." he says this to all the teachers and to everyone, so it's a pretty empty threat. but i thought about calling the US Embassy saying "Someone says they're going to kill me." in my head i envision a scenario with black helicopters and large semi-automatic weapons.

or walking into the Supertown Police Station, and per my friend Eri-chan's suggestion, and as i'm talking just lay out internet printouts of aggressive acts of violence performed by Japanese youth.

i still like the idea with black helicopters and the CIA.

i think what upsets me is that this kid doesn't talk with respect (particularly, as you should in japanese).

next time he tells me he'll kill me i'm going to try to talk with him about "extradition" and "Texas' fond use of the Death Penalty". true these scare tactics are immature, but he should learn about consequences for actions, since that's not something the rest of the staff is teaching him.

this post is a downer, but i promise to you that i'm in a better mood then this. but bad-ass sensei is tired and it's 1:00am. g'nite.

in an attempt to de-google myself a bit i'm going to change the name of my town to "Supertown" in every post ever. It may also from here on out be affectionately referred to as either "Supertown" or "the Sauce". maybe i'll let a few slip. but i'm trying to get a bit of anonymity (especially from students and noobs). damn google. damn her and her infinite knowledge.

Last week my city conducted the first ever sex education class in a junior high school at my school. Rumor has it, the need for sexual awareness was brought about because a 5th grade elementary student in the next town over that has turned up pregnant. If I have heard about it, then certainly the whole tri-county area knows by now. Poor girl. But before I get into the story of sex education, allow me to start somewhere else.

my bad kid.

I have the worst kid in the city at my school. I'm sure stories have appeared about him in some form or fashion. but he's rather notorious, infamous if you will, in the area.

in-famous?
in-famous!?

i love chevy chase.

Everyday I clean the school with the kids. I don't know quite how, but I'm the only one who walks away with dirt under my fingernails. I must be doing something entirely wrong or entirely right. I usually enjoy the kids I work with, I can joke with them and they'll try English, or they'll not talk to me, and that's fine too.

That was until a few weeks ago. I walk past the landscaping by the parking lot one day only to find that there are fresh flowers uprooted and strewn across the sidewalk. To be honest I wouldn't care, except the lady that plants them is this seventy year old woman that works at my school, and it breaks my heart to see her work ruined. I see who's doing it, the boy with the MD player and a pair of tongs sitting on the edge of the landscaping pulling flowers out of the little garden and discarding them. He doesn't limit himself to flowers, but also does this with bushes, plants, sprouting trees, even large rocks. Then he'll complain about how old the school is and how it is in such a state of disrepair. Irony anyone?

Last week, I again found myself in the company of this blessed little soul. The Boy has a one-track mind. He immediately starts talking about sex and whatnot. He starts asking me questions and I'm not quite sure how to respond exactly on a professional level. Then he asks me "Dootei desu ka?" and I have no idea what this means so I plan on going home and looking up the word "dootei" in the dictionary. I checked it later...

It means, "Are you a virgin?"

I sat in my room that night for a few hours wondering how exactly to appropriately answer this question. I concluded, there's no real good way to answer this question. A "No" would insight a barrage of Junior High slander and a wildfire of other students questioning me, and the other route, a "Yes", would to me seem entirely unprofessional to inform children of your sexual activity. It took me two days to figure out that I don't have to answer these questions and I can tell him that.

He polished off our all Japanese conversation that day saying the following:

"I'm better (more important) than David. Like, I don't speak English but i'm still better."
"Why?"
"Because I'm Japanese. I know things about Japan."
"Things like what?"
"Like history and stuff..."

This ignited a fury in me for the rest of the day. Where in the world does knowing about a self-centered little island country equal being better than someone? who effing taught this to him? he probably gained all his knowledge from a manga! I would never even begin to assert the fact that because I know the name of Richard Nixon's dog, or because I know the kings of England and can quote the fights historical from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical, or because I can do complex equations both the simple and quadratical -binary, decimal, all formulas mathematical- that I am in any way better than any other person. A deep knowledge of history makes you great on trivia game shows and hopefully makes you not an idiot, but when does it EVER equal being greater than someone?!? rawr!

sometimes understanding is a blessing and a curse.

the assembly

The principle of my school ascends to the stage. The gym is filled with the whole student body; both boys & girls in their uniforms, teachers with tired eyes, and about a hundred parents who were invited to attend this open school event. after bowing, the principle starts by saying, "Times are changing. With the internet, TV and what-not; kids your age are being exposed very early to sex, pornographic images and things we never imagined. Very different than from when I grew up. That's why we've brought in this special guest. I don't really know her, nor have I really talked to her much. I found her website on the internet -"

I'll pause the story so you can laugh as I did... ok. resume.

"- and based on that I thought she'd be good at teaching on this particular topic. She's a professional comedian and appears on a daytime drama. She'll be speaking today on Correct Sexual Education for Teens. Please give a warm welcome to..."

And with that, sexual education has begun on the Junior High level in my city. A woman in neon salmon-colored pants speedwalks onto the stage and begins talking very, very fast using strictly Kansai-ben (the local dialect that is worlds apart from what the speak in Tokyo, and when perfected it sounds like the speaker has marbles in their mouth, it's also inherently funnier than the Tokyo dialect). This woman is a professional TV appearing stand-up comedian and she's here to talk to us about S-E-X. She starts with the whole "You're body is changing..." approach, which I thought was a smart move, boobs and body hair are bound to garner a few laughs and they set a subtle light-hearted foundation for the rest of lecture. The highlights were maybe when she drew sperm on the white board and then couldn't erase them and when she used an Expo marker to simulate an erecting penis. Otherwise, it was pretty drab and I actually dozed off a bit (partly because understanding her took every fiber of my brain to follow what she was rapidly saying). Other teachers the next day seemed to indicate it wasn't so funny.

"How typical of Japan!" I scoffed. "Bringing in a comedian in attempt to smooth over such a serious topic such as sex. Trying to avoid responsibility." Then humility struck and I realized that the Japanese comedian in this case is the American equivalent of popping in a video tape.

My brain went on a tangent as I started thinking about what if comedians in America were appointed to give sex advice (arguably they do in some circumstances). But what if people like Jerry Seinfeld, Sam Kinison, Bob Saggat or Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, if they were to walk into a school and begin dispensing sexual education.

"What's the deeeaal with the penis? I mean, who designed that?"

I think what amazes me most about this whole thing is that boys and girls were not separated for the event. And even moreso, WITH THE PARENTS!? If I had to watch "The Video" with my mother or my girlfriend (Dana Aksmit, at the time, who I still, 14 years later, haven't officially broken up with) I probably would have had a heart attack. If I had to learn about the female anatomy with a girl - let alone my mother - in the room, I probably would have never been able to make eye contact with the opposite sex ever again.

I actually watched for that when the students were leaving the gym. I noticed that no one could look anyone in the eyes. From an adult perspective, this is kind of funny to me.

my bad kid part two

It was Friday, cleaning time again, and I came face to face with The Boy again. The Boy actually wasn't at the school the day of the sex seminar, but having actually looked up the meaning of "dootei" I could no longer feign genuine ignorance. The questions came "How many girls have you had sex with? Are you a virgin? When did you "graduate"? Do you masturbate?" I wizened up and just said, "I don't have to answer that." It's probably better if they just form their own answers...

I start asking them about girlfriends. I figured if I could keep the topic on girlfriends, it'd fulfill the "talk about girls" social requisite and we'd have curbed quizzing about David-sensei's sex history. The Bad Kid tells me he hasn't had a girlfriend in a year... I quietly mumble "Thank God" to myself... and one boy says that he hasn't ever had a girlfriend. To which the Bad Kid replies, "Don't worry, man. You can get any girl you want in High School. Girls in high school put out." I was amazed, it was like watching a re-enactment of Dazed & Confused in Japanese!

Then they ask me if I have a girlfriend recently. I deem this safe enough to share about, so I say I dated a girl about 10 months ago. The questions begin:

"Was she Japanese?"
"No."
"Did she live back in America?"
"No. She was English and lived in Japan."
Then another kid says, "Ahhh... I get it. Because your faces look similar and you both speak the same language, it's okay."
"What~!?"
Then the Boy adds, "Foreigners' faces are disgusting!"
"What~!?" At this point I'm rather offended. "That's racism." I inform them.
Together in unison they say, "No it's not, it's preference."

... The kind of preference that makes one want to kill another. God forbid I, like this kid, discount 97% of the world because they look quote-unquote "disgusting".

The grande forcefully-teach-international-understanding solution I devised was to get a Japanese girlfriend and I'll bring her to school and french kiss her on the mouth and let these kids' heads explode as she kisses my disgusting face and then we converse in Japanese. Easier said than done, I suppose. Plus, Adventures with the Ice Queen have turned me off to Japanese girls a bit.

increase the resolution!

The resolution that day was: there was none. The end of cleaning time consisted of me grabbing the tongs he was using to destroy a bush and at some point I had him in a friendly Full Nelson and he spanked me (!?!). Strange I know, I was confused too... but as you do... I have lots of theories on disciplining children (particularly boys), based on misappropriated Bible verses and my experience being a teacher and camp counselor. I won't write them here because they mostly involve hitting children once they're out of diapers. And rather than creating liability for myself and ruining my chances at ever getting married, I'll save those theories for the book I'll write when I'm fifty: "Beating Kids Can Be Fun! A Guide to Rearing Children by d@ve rupert" the best-seller that will follow "Child Abuse? I'll Have Two Please!" Pre-order now on Amazon.com and receive a free bamboo cane when the book ships in April 2030.

Suddenly, April 2030 doesn't seem so far away.

About the boy, what I find truly ironic is that this kid might have been someone I'd have hung out with in high school - minus the racism because the Anti-Racist Association (ARA) headed by JOEY JETFIRE wouldn't have tolerated that kind of behavior. But despite the fact that in another dimension and time he could potentially be in my social fold, I wonder that if it ever came down to either (a) getting fisticuffs and potentially losing my job and being banished from Japan forever or (b) taking a punch thrown at my face by a punk kid, I fear I might choose the former.

I'll end this in prayer. Oh, God! Please help the me. Patience, wit, discernment - whatever it takes to deal with this kid I need it. Let me possess both the forgiveness of Christ and the discipline of the Father. Give me eyes to see him as You see him. If there's anything I can say or do to impact his life, both in general or with the Gospel, then I want to be available for that. Soften his heart and qualm his rebellion as you did mine, Jesus. Rapture his heart and call him by name, as you did me. Convince him that women are to be honored and revered as the pinnacle of all Creation, not just sexual playmates to serve his selfishness. Make him a man of faith. 勝利の主イエスキリストの御名でお祈りいたします。Amen.

this is maybe my favorite photo i've taken in a long time. it's kind of special to me. it was taken at a shogakko visit. the kids bombarded me with kanchos and screams. i was at a loss of what to do with them. so i pulled out my Lomo as we ran around. then, i thought quickly and i said "Minna Shinde-shimatta Pose!" (Everyone's Dead Pose). the kids caught on and all laid on the floor pretending to be dead. they were finally off of me. so i quickly snapped the picture and tried to run away as fast as i could! But as you can see, one kid couldn't wait to violate me so he started getting up to attack me and it looks like he's a resurrecting zombie in a sea of dead children. i love this picture for so many reasons.

hallelujah.